recorded & mixed on the beautiful north shore of eastern massachusetts, usa by zach weeks at godcity studio in salem.
zach weeks played the solo on dykes. briar lake sang the harmonies on don't kiss me.
mattie sang leads on intro & don't kiss me, otto sang the second verse of dykes, jac sang the rest of the leads, and we each wrote the lyrics we sang.
front cover collage, back cover drawing, all design by felix o'connor
"No Stopping Us Now" by Bettye Lane on the front cover used with permission via the Lesbian Herstory Archives (www.lesbianherstoryarchives.org) + "Lesbians Rule" by Del LaGrace Volcano used with permission from the artist.
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lyrics:
Puritan
[mattie]
Hiding in a bathroom in a french restaurant
On the street that Hutchinson prophesied we’re all gonna die, and God will destroy Boston
Then was exiled to Bronxville
And when it ends that’s where I’ll go
[jac]
i don’t think that this theology
can characterize me
i’ve no affliction; it’s yr projection
when i leave i’ll be vindicated
[mattie]
I want to think the episcopalians at park street
Don’t mind that though, i look like a boy that’s not what I’m going for
Nobody here minds, what the fuck I look like
As long as I don’t speak or if I do it’s not about collective bargaining
[jac]
i know about...
this theology...
nothing here was made for me.
i’ll show you a real affliction.
Dykes To Watch Out For
[Jac]
in this room there is a party
of people like me
a critical mass that’s nothing
without some kind of spark
we’re back in london, england 1928
doomed to repeat isolation
while a well of loneliness pervades.
now we’ve got that common language
to identify our pain
understand a toddler’s lexicon,
[but] we only use it to degrade
and we all wonder why we feel so alone
it’s hard to feel right when we alienate
the ones we call home
[Chorus, All]
i refuse to fucking recreate
dichotomies of real and fake
what got us here in the first place
i refuse to participate
expectations of ease, half-hearted praise
that got us here in the first place
[Otto]
Got a number of things to list off
In the grand scheme of growing off the binary
I check the records, dating back to some other time
I look for myself
I see it in your photographs
What was it like to only get to be yourself
In strips of film and black and white negatives?
One day they’ll put your name on a ferry boat
Your home is now a monument
How radical just to document you exist.
[Chorus, All]
i refuse to fucking recreate
dichotomies of real and fake
what got us here in the first place
i refuse to participate
expectations of ease, half-hearted praise
that got us here in the first place
[Jac]
i don’t suppose i’ll ever know what it means to be a man,
that’s something i can’t change
i don’t suppose i’ll ever know what it means to be a man,
i’ll live around it
Unimportant
this scene engenders envy,
you know it’s not my fault.
begrudging detachment,
and now you’re better off
you spot it, microscopic
cavil what you can’t create
i watch you fall apart
and balk at the bait
it’s not unimportant
but i don’t remember
a thing
you pull me aside
and claim you can’t tell a lie
that’s bullshit, you prove it,
hide what you devise
you’re stunted, you don’t love him,
prosaic alibis
you want to complain
so i’ll take all the blame
it’s not unimportant
but i don’t remember
a thing
Trash
trapped in a memory
to confront a graze of skin.
why’s everything that i do
always come back to this?
it’s not a wound i’ll escape through.
back in our bedroom
the walls were just too thick
no one could hear to care when i
could never sleep at night,
her absolution came through saturnity
and he might not have killed no one
but she made up for it
inherit, like her trust fund
cruelty, getting what she wants
by any means — a sense of greed
destined to small spaces,
backed up into my station,
i was ashamed to be like me.
so i tasted everything she had,
and it made me so sick
i’m more than happy being trash.
back when i was only 17,
i’d never seen georgia.
she’d fly me out to get fucked,
beset, i was never enough
still shoulder shame deep inside
destined to small spaces,
backed up into my station,
i was ashamed to be like me.
so i tasted everything she had,
and it made me so sick
i’m more than happy being trash
i can’t remember the love
between bouts of crying
and now it’s never enough
if i can’t tell you why i’m crying
What’s Yr Deal With Kim?
no one here knows what to do.
they’re not too good with the follow through.
so I lay in bed and watch the rain fall down,
listen to Nebraska ‘til the end and turn the record back around
did you clear the air yet?
i know I’m never here, yes,
but are you all there yet?
i know, I know, I’m never here.
no one here knows what to say,
so i talk to Siobhan, like, everyday.
let sadness decay and watch the rain fall down,
listen to Pacer ‘til the end and turn the record back around.
Ache
you’ve got an ache,
identifiably fake
i try to escape while you hyper-fixate
maybe i’m better off,
but you know i still can’t relate.
dragging me down,
yeah that’s a cliche. at this point
i try not to mention yr name,
well, i can’t erase.
i’ll spare you the implication
at the expense of myself
you say it’s a sickness,
well, i hope you’re getting help.
vilify, refuse to contemplate
possible mistakes
but keep making yr own, it’s okay
laundry list of complaints,
a condition i won’t negate,
steal yr own bike
and you’ll get a ride today
i’ll spare you the implication
at the expense of myself
you say it’s a sickness,
well, i hope you’re getting well.
Dreams, Live 1997
when the rain washes you clean
i feel more obscene than ever
disembodied monotone,
prayers that feelings sever
i notice my confoundingness
and fall short —
finally confess
and all my friends are sick of hearing this,
in static absence i’ll admit
my hesitant
rituals, self-punishment
an insincere peace of mind,
tarot in a trying time:
it’s comforting
call me heartless or call me honest,
i don’t care, it’s clear i’ve lost it
on the back road, bleary eyed in august
and i wouldn’t do it the same
and now what’s the difference?
inconspicuous and diffident —
a self-inflicted hindrance
abetted by distance
i will not cry i will not run
i will sit with what this has become
can i still ameliorate?
i dwell and i exacerbate
til i abandon myself
decline to solicit help,
and for once
i have nothing
to say
call me heartless or call me honest,
i don’t care, it’s clear i’ve lost it
on the back road, bleary eyed in august
and i wouldn’t do it the same
Song For Frankie And Blinko
for the first time in my life i have had something good,
a safe home,
but i can’t feel like i should
when it comes, it’s out of nowhere
and no one has done me wrong
when it comes,
i become a burden to everyone i love
(it’s not yr fault)
when i fold into myself,
i am the only one who can read
the pages of my experience,
interpret embodiment of memory
how do i communicate
that nothing’s even wrong?
they work to understand,
but i think i make it hard
(it’s not yr fault)
Judi Bari Almost Died For Our Sins
lately i can’t look at the sky
without thinking about how soon we’ll die
i didn’t ask for all this bullshit, a pacific island of plastic
but we’re kept deprived of land to provide
when everything we know is contrived
to force us to feel helpless, to feel like
we will die without companies, merchandise, assets, and money
how can we stop man-made end time?
i wasted most of my life
not learning how to survive,
around insidious lies
panic over now pointless archives,
the fragility of our ability to to thrive
doomsday prepping in my bedroom, breaking down over what we can’t do
yr “progress” kills what we need to revive
i wasted most of my life
not learning how to survive,
around insidious lies;
consumption signified
(the world’s on fire, better throw her in the water)
Don’t Kiss Me, I’m In Training
[mattie]
I came home early and heard that the synth’s back
I talked to Briar cause I heard them singing:
“I’m sad that my trauma fucked up my intentions
To be there for someone I loved who was fading”
I like to hear you play with your synth now
Play surreptitious music about how
“I’m a product of trauma, i feel the water
The salt on my jaw, i’m going under”
I spent some time in my room without talking
To anyone who reminds me of someone
Who made me do things I did not want to happen
So I didn’t talk to like anyone I guess
It isn’t easy to be around people
When people have caused all the hell that you’ve been through
Though people can care for you best and adore you
People will prompt you to panic when they do
[jac]
sometimes it’s not what i expect it to be
you’re not the one who hurt me
[mattie]
What did you get when you asked for perfection
What did you get when they didn’t learn a lesson
What did you get when it hurt you to lose them
‘Cause you didn’t wanna have to forgive them
I guess that I could live functionally thinking
That no one else treats me the way that I treat me
And they don’t deserve to think loving me’s easy
I don’t wanna die with no friends on a freeway
oooooooo o o o o ooooooooooooo o o o ooo
i don’t wanna die, don’t wanna die alone
oooooooo o o o o ooooooooooooo o o o ooo
the worlds gonna end soon, don’t wanna die on a road
[jac]
sometimes it’s not what i expect it to be
you’re not the people who hurt me
i fucking wish they rot in hell,
but i wish i could love you like i were well
